respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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