When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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