Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
