I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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