Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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