spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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