saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
