I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dick very happy bro
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
