plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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