my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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