Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
