I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
