Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
