i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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