I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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