dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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