okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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