i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
