His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
