how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
