Swine flu. Run for my life!
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
