If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
