Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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