what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
