What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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