I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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