if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
