she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
