Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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