I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
