i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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