I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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