I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
