I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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