Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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