Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
