mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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