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Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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