1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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