Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
