A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
