I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
