I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize