I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
