I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
