Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
