The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We had sex on a dog bed..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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