i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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