I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
