I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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