Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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