he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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