I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize