Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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