Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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