Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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