I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize