he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
